I spent Saturday moping around my apartment drinking too much coffee and feeling artsy and spontaneous until my underarms got too sweaty (then I was just a loser with an empty datebook in a Stevie Nicks t-shirt). Just before I fell asleep in the same clothes and all my makeup with a laptop open on my thighs I promised myself I’d leave my bed that weekend.
So I was trying not to be alone or something and invited my friend over to watch R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet operetta, which I had purchased on Amazon when I was feeling hilarious. He didn’t tell me I was good-looking. There wasn’t anything particularly nice to eat beforehand and we drank SKYY vodka out of cups I got with Acapulco kid’s meals, just to get really shitty. There was a Weezer song he hadn’t liked until now and an empty apartment. And a standoff.
Do you like me?
I liked you a lot when I didn’t know you. Yes.
Up to you.
Which wasn’t entirely true, because it was partially up to me but also a little bit up to the SKYY and how good he smelled and the way we were obviously never going to be the same again, anyway. I’d just told him about this guy I was starting to see kind of but WHATEVER I guess and then we weren’t on opposite sides of a particle board dining room table, we were stumbling past a pantry of mostly empty cereal boxes with nearly no space between us at all.
I wonder what I’d feel like now if instead I’d said hey no look let’s just keep this friendly don’t worry things won’t get weird because we talked about it at length and it could have gone either way really. It’s funny because I really do like that guy I’m kind of seeing but the whole time I was just waiting for Him to give in and tell me he wanted to just as much as I wasn’t saying I did.
Anyway enough of that, because nothing noble happened and no use wishing it had right? We kissed in the dark on my twin extra long bed until we went to a party and then we came back and took off our shirts and kissed some more. It wasn’t loving but it was fantastic and while it was happening it’s all I ever wanted. I tried to maintain distance while becoming as close as possible but THE FUCKING SKYY so I just kept saying things like you always hatefuck and I don’t want to be another conquest and you don’t care and I don’t care. He shushed me or maybe I shushed myself but in any event, he didn’t smile in between kisses or cup my face and look at me.
And that’s probably exactly why I wanted him to do the things I pull the guy that will probably be my boyfriend’s hand away from. I was thinking it’s because I know Him better but to be frank sometimes I think I’ll never really figure him out (he’s virtually me but all my darkest parts). He doesn’t love me and I don’t him and I’ll never have to look at him and wonder if he thinks I’ve changed. He said I looked cute just before he left and that was the worst part. Neither of us left any of ourselves behind.
It’s a very good thing he didn’t spend the night for a lot of reasons but mainly because my roommate came home shortly after he left and she’s really nice and really conservative and that would have ruined me. I woke up and waited a long time before eating avocados and goat cheese but not to be hip ok just because it is a satisfying combination. And I don’t know what this means but every time I think about it I want to go sit in a more comfortable chair. I’ll tell all my friends of course, but a modified version where he kissed me and I said no no no and we left it at that. I won't be thinking of it on my date at the beach, or when that guy plays with my bangs a little too much and asks me over fortune cookies if there is anyone else. I promise. There was nothing sweet about it and I think there is a very good chance it will never come up in conversation but it was the most honest thing I have ever done.
Written March 2011. Updated December 2012.